Watermark
Our water marks are supposed to represent something that happened in our lives that impacted us greatly. I choose to write about my mother and how she's changed my live completely. without further a due, my watermark.
An event that made my life difficult but has also made me into who I am today... |
Mother Dearest
First grade: I was sitting in the cool office and they were calling my parents. I think it's been an hour. I can't really tell. After awhile, I see a familiar figure in the door. She's thinnish with medium length brown hair. She's arguing with the office ladies, and she grabs me in a hurry. She's yelling at me. The girl is my mother. She's young at the age of 23. Her words are still lingering in my ears. “Why did you call me? I can't believe you.” She's creeping towards mad. We used to lived in Torrance, but after missing the rent, we had to move out of our apartment. We moved to Lawndale, and my parents made the decision not to tell the school district about it. Now here I am, sitting in the office, just waiting. I guess my mom forgot to pick me up… again. Im sure she was in one of her moods. They tried to call her cell. Nothing, nada, zip. I bet she was knocked out again. They called the apartment and when another couple answered, they found out we weren't living in the same district anymore. She woke up and finally remembered I was still at school. After that incident I was forced to change schools. I left all of my friends and my friendly apartment in Torrance. It was too bad; I liked that apartment. It was small with two rooms. The apartment had good memories, or at least the ones I remember. A failed attempt at a gingerbread house during christmas, late night mac and cheese with my step dad and pregnant mother, and my dad reading stories to me at bedtime. It felt like a perfect family, but I guess it felt like that because I was too young to remember all of the bad stuff. We moved into my Grandma's house. It was me, five adults, and a baby. Since there were only 3 rooms, I had to sleep in the living room with my Grandma. I don't think I got a single wink of sleep with all the comings and goings in the house, and the making of food, and laundry trips. It wasn't all bad. My Grandma and I would stay up all night talking and just watching TV. We got really close. We've always been really close. Things weren't always stable at my house. My mother's moods were up and down, but mostly down. Growing up, my mom was always “sick”. “Mom, my schools having a bookfair! Can we go?” “No sweetheart i'm not feeling too well. Next time.” But there was never a next time. Never. That's right. My mom has never come to a school event of mine. Not in elementary school, and not in middle school. It wasn't just school events either. She used to promise me all these things. “Were going to Disneyland!’ “Wanna go to the park in an hour?” “C’mon Kayla! We’re going to the beach!” Of course, everything that she promised never happened. I was just a kid, but I had already learned not to expect anything from her. Why was she like this? Why was she always down? I couldn't stand it anymore. Until they told me, my mom was bipolar. Trying to explain this to a third grader was a little difficult, of course. She explained it to me as being depressed all the time. The only thing I could remember about this disorder was a commercial for a pill you could take to make it go away. Wait a second;Something to make it go away? Then why was I still suppressed to her illness? Why was I still dealing with her yelling and hitting and throwing? my mother's fights were horrific. It seemed like every morning, my mom found something new to argue about. but the end of the discussions seemed to always end up in the same place. “Everyone's against me, “None of you love me.” “Everything's all your fault.” “I grew up like this because of you.” and something to do with my grandma being an awful person and a horrible mother. I was in fourth grade and I didn't know anything about anything. But I was so tired of the yellings. I was so tired of the punches in the walls and the broken windows, because she had gotten mad that day. Even though she explained to me that it was because of her illness, I couldn't understand why she had to use that as an excuse to torture people. She could get better if she wanted to. But she didn't want to. She wanted to stay the “poor little victim”, so she could keep screwing up her life and not take responsibility. thats how i thought when i was younger When I look back I how much I resented her, it makes me sad. Growing up with a mother who wasn't there most of the time, I had to learn to take care of myself. I had to learn to mature, and how to take in difficult situations. It made me stray away from younger kids. I was more compelled to be around the older kids and adults. My mom dropped a bomb on me in 7th grade;she was going to Hawaii, to live with her so-called boyfriend. Who was this guy? I hadn't ever heard of him before. Was he a bad person? Who suddenly decides to leave there child to go live with some guy?All these thoughts were running through my brain. I couldn't understand how she could just leave me. My mom left, and I was left in the care of of my grandma and stepdad. For a while, it was great. While the fighting stopped, but there was a hole in my heart, an aching sensation, screaming in my lungs. Why did she leave me? I felt abandoned. When I look back on it all, I get why she left. She wanted to try to shield me and my sister from her constant mood swings and her acting out. The summer before 8th grade, I went to visit my mom. Seeing my mom after two years was weird. She was different, she had changed. Her hair was short and dyed, and she was wearing cut off shorts and a big smile on her face. But I guess that some things never change, she still smelled of her chanel perfume, she still had those clean, delicate hands, and soft dry touch. she was still my mom. It's been a year since that. My mom has affected my life in so many ways, good and bad. I grew up without her presence and it made me feel alone sometimes, but it also made me do things for the better. I've become such an independent person because of her. I've had to grow up faster than other kids because of her. I've made adult decisions and I comprehend things better than most kids my age. Overall, I've achieved so much even with my family difficulties. It's made me realize that I can go through anything and come out strong. |